This is Blogsbite’s second exclusive photograph of Lassie Nyll (pronounced nil, as in nothing, zero, zilch, of no consequence, lacking in substance, nonentity, cipher, goose egg, naught, blank, void, the absence of all quantity, insubstantial, meaningless, nobody, whiffet, whipster, nullity, will-o-the-wisp, lightweight, obscure, less than nothing, subzero.) The first was the following photo taken on the day of her alleged spitball attack.

Lassie Nyll (pronounced nil, as in nothing, zero, zilch, of no consequence, lacking in substance, nonentity, cipher, goose egg, naught, blank, void, the absence of all quantity, insubstantial, meaningless, nobody, whiffet, whipster, nullity, will-o-the-wisp, lightweight, obscure, less than nothing, subzero.) is a web designer of small talent, whose designs are boringly alike.

Our reporter known only as Hitbyspit was able to capture this exclusive, never before published photograph of the above mentioned person as she sat at her computer, no doubt producing another lack-luster site for a nondiscerning client.

“We was enjoying our dogs playing in the yard when we noticed the deer out in the pasture getting spooked.” says Bessie Fubb. “The next thing we knew our deer was covered in spitballs. The poor little things was so confused.”

Bennie Fubb who heard the commotion ran down from the barn hoping to put a load of buckshot into the perpetrators, but his arthritis, and getting tangled up in the dogs slowed him down. “They dropped one of their tubes. Rascal found it, and led me to it.” says Fubb, clearly shaken, and angry.

This reporter witnessed the deer trying to remove the spitballs in their water hole. (see photos)


“We can’t get near them now.” says Fubb “They was tame as anything.”

Bessie Fubb has plans to organize Deer Ranchers, and Deer Against Spitballs, just as soon as she gets the dogs put up, and her chores finished. “We’ve got to stamp out these vicious spitball attacks.” says Bessie, with tears in her angry eyes. These spitballers are like ghosts. They appear without warning, and just disappear leaving only devastation, spitballs, and the occasional tube behind.

Bennie Fubb has a different attitude. “I’ll set my dogs on these spitballers.” he vows. “They have the scent now. They are already on the alert. All it took was one attack. These dogs won’t let another attack happen.” says Fubb with confidence.

The dogs do appear to have taken up guard positions. (see photos)


The Lost Lake County Sheriff Elmo Fubb, no relation, refused to comment, as his deputies were in a futile race with the deer to capture evidence. He did say that this was the first alleged spitball attack in Lost Lake County.

Keystone, Florida: “I couldn’t believe the size of that thing” said Elmer Shiftless, an eyewitness who tried in vain to come between the spitball and the victim.
“It was relentless in its directive. It appeared as if the spitball itself was stalking the unwary pooch.”

When asked about the spitter, Shiftless, the eyewitness could do nothing more than sputter “There ain’t NO PLACE for them spitballs in our town!!! I jist hear’d tell that there spokesman fer Human $pitters Using $pitballs said that most all spitters are usin’ coolaid to injection their spitballs-making them more sticky, and hard as the dickins to get off their victims.”

The owner of the poor victim Tony Euclid told us “I could tell by the blue stains on my dog that she had been hit by this massive missile. But I was running late, and in such a hurry to get to work I just took some pictures, using a pencil to show the enormous size of this thing and left my poor dog to lick off those horrid tell tale signs of the spitball attack!!”

But imagine Mr. Euclid’s horror when he arrived home from his job at Leadbetter’s Pencil Factory find that the spitter had struck AGAIN!!!!

“My poor dog was a repeat victim of a merciless spitter. When I walked in and saw that she had been forced to endure not only being hit again by a huge fuzzy blue spitball…but that the spitter had used her as a drying rack and subjected her to a relentless and frenzied drying process just broke my heart.”

Pooch used as drying rack for humongous, possibly blueberry coolaid injected furry spitball.

Keystone’s cops have taken the fuzzy spitball into custody and have stated they will not release the spitball back into mainstream society. There appears to be no attempt at finding the hairdryer wielding spitter but local officials have decided to look into the possibility of enacting some sort of Ball Specific Legislation, which would include both saliva spitballs and the coolaid injected variety, as well. It is unknown at this time whether the tools used by spitters will be named in this legislation or not.

Ass.Ass.Ass. DA Snorri Kelson is best known for his diminuitive stature, and second best known for his hatred of anything spitball, and third best known for being helpful to anyone against spitballs.

Rab: “If you’re ready, I’ll turn on the recorder, and we can start.”
A.A.A.DA SK: “Is this my good side?”

Rab: “Er..sure. Let’s do a bit of background, I understand that in 1996 you were against chews, and chewers, is that correct?’
A.A.A.DA SK: “Yes, but I have learned that as bad as chews, and chewers are, spitballs, and spitballers are worse. They must be eradicated.”

Rab: “Tell me more about chews, and chewers, and then we will move on to spitballs, I’d like our readers to see the progression, if that is alright with you?”
A.A.A.DA SK: “Back in the 1990′s chews, and chewing was popular in Low-Low. In fact it was the most popular pastime. I did an interview then calling for people to recognize the threat of chews, but nobody listened. Well, they are listening now that spitballs have become so popular. We hardly hear about chews anymore.”

Rab: “You worked hard to get spitballs banned from Low-Low didn’t you?
A.A.A.DA SK: “Yes, and I’m redoubling my efforts to have spitballs banned from everyplace. We have been sued. We have been reviled. I will not be denied my spitball ban. Low-Low is too good for spitballs, and their spitters”

Rab: “Could you tell our readers a bit about your efforts?”
A.A.A.DA SK: “Yes. I have set up alerts with Goggle, and Youhoo that alert me to all spitball stories in the news. If a city is considering a ban on spitballs, I send the city council, and city attorney a letter offering my help. I’m very helpful. If I see a story about a vicious spitball attack I call the victim, and offer my help. I’m very helpful.”

Rab: “Could you give us some insight as to the victims that you have helped, or are helping?”
A.A.A.DA SK: “I suppose it couldn’t hurt. Two that come to mind are Lassie Nyll of Seattle who loves to see her name in print. I contacted her following an alleged spitball attack while she was jogging. She is such a brave, albeit weird looking, woman of great computer skills. She has created the site spitballshitthatswhattheydo.org and has founded Families and Pets Against Spitballs, with my help, of course. I’m very helpful. Let’s see, there is also Ms. Gloriosity Puff a victim from Smalltown, Iowa whose career as a mime was shattered by a spitball attack while she was working. After the attack Ms. Puff found her voice, and it is cying out, ‘We will rid Iowa of all spitballs.’ She has founded the Iowa Coalition of Mimes Against Spitballs, with my help. I’m very helpful.”

Rab: “I understand that the spitballers have a nick name for you, is that true?”
A.A.A.DA SK: “Yes. I proudly wear the name, Dr. Death to Spitballs.”

Rab: It is my understanding that you have said that there is no constitutional right to own spitballs, is this correct?
A.A.A.DA SK: Yes, I have said it, and I’ll say it again. There is no constitutional right to own spitballs.”

Rab: “What about Amendment IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.?”
A.A.A.DA SK: What? Are you a graduate of law school? Do you actually believe that you are capable of reading, understanding, and applying the writings of the Constitution of the United States of America? You, a simple journalist? Don’t make me scoff!! You must be insane!! You are certainly weird looking!”

Rab: “The IV amendment actually mentions papers. Wouldn’t the average person understand that to mean that he, or she is allowed to have spitballs should he or she wish to do so?
A.A.A.DA SK: “What? Are you crazy? That is not what the constitution says. People are only allowed to have the rights that government gives them! If the government says no spitballs, then there will be no spitballs.”

Rab: “Excuse me, you have a bit of spittle on your upper lip.”
A.A.A.DA SK: “No I don’t!! Don’t you ever say that again! Let’s get on with this interview. I haven’t finished helping that woman I was with.

Rab: “Are you telling our readers that we can only have items that are explicitly spelled out in the Constitution? I guess that paper although mentioned isn’t one of those things, is that correct?”
“No. I’m telling you that people can only have what I say they can have. I say they can’t have spitballs, or chews, or some breath fresheners.”

Rab: ” What is your take on Amendment IX The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. ?
A.A.A.DA SK: “Are you crazy? That doesn’t mean anything. You do not know how to determine the useful stuff from the non-useful stuff. That is best left up to a professional Ass.Ass.Ass. DA like me. Interview over.”

I wiped the spittle off of the recorder’s microphone as I watched Ass.Ass.Ass. DA Snorri Kelson stomp away in his little tiny shoes to help the woman who had been patiently waiting at the bar outside of Low-Low.
Rab El’Ais

“This extremely traumatic event has changed my previously drab, and uncelebrated exsistence into a slightly fanatical whirlwind of exposure.” our ill fated victim Gloriosity Puff states, with a slightly manacial grin.

Our unfortunate spitball attack victim goes on to describe the terrifying moment of the attack to this reporter. While her frenzied words echoed in my head, I was repeatedly drawn back to a single dark statement this victim made early in our interview; “There is absolutely no place in this world for spitballs. They are malicious, malevolent and without a doubt they are all capable of killing”

When asked how she had come upon the decision to reach out to other victims of vicious spitball attacks she related what she describes as an epiphany; “All my life, psychologists such as world renowned Dr. Anonymous have diagnosed me as having extreme dysphoria..but the moments after the attack I felt a sense of direction in my previously uncharted and meaningless life. It was as if choirs of musical notes accompanied by a grand light suddenly shined down upon me highlighting the dripping saliva, and bits of paper remnants. It was that very moment that I knew without a doubt I could take the indignity of this spitball attack and create a new purpose…something which would garner me the attention I so deeply deserve.”

When asked why her focus would be on the spitballs themselves and not the actual shooters of the spitballs, Gloriosity Puff shrugged her shoulders, and replied in rather a stressed, even shrill voice; “We do not hold spitters accountable for any other reasons….so why start now? Besides, it is a well known fact that news reporters such as yourself are only interested in stories that have loads of gooey spit and highly over-dramatical rhetoric. Truth and accountability have NO PLACE in my mission!! I know about the news media” Puff shouted “If it drools, it rules.”

Ms. Puff precipitously ended our interview, but this small town USA reporter was left with the distinct feeling that Ms. Puff was a spitball victim willing to do whatever it took to gain a public persona and a following of other victims who previously have had no direction, or purpose in their lives.

By Persi Flage
persiflage@live.com

Ms. Lassie Nyll of Seattle claims to have been the victim of a vicious spitball attack. She said that she was jogging when she was set upon by a spitball that was so large that it covered her entire head. (see photo)

There were no witnesses to this alleged attack. No police report was filed. Ms. Nyll said, “I thought that it was more important to get my name, and photo in the news.”

When questioned by this reporter as to what Ms. Nyll will do next, she responded, “First I’m going to get this thing off my head, and then I’m going to start a blog Spitballshit.thatswhattheydo.org, and a group, Families, and Pets Against Spitballs, to rid this world of spitballs, and their spitters. Then I may go to a famous theme park, and try to jog again.”

Ms. Nyll continued, “While I was waiting for the media to arrive, I received a call on my cell phone from Ass.Ass.Ass. D.A. Snorri Kelson offering his help. He is so helpful.” Ms Nyll gushed.

“Ass.Ass.Ass. D.A. Kelson has so much experience in the eradication of spitballs, and their users. I’m so pleased that he is lending his legal expertise to my project, and the best part is that the taxpayers of the lowest city in the U.S.A. are paying his salary.” exclaims Ms.Nyll with a smile.

A team of intrepid investigative journalists, at great risk to their lives, infiltrated a spitball gang to learn more about their clandestine activities. “They are very dangerous. A person must be conscious of every word, and movement. They turn on anything, or anyone for no reason.” said the lead reporter who must remain anonymous.

“We barely escaped unscathed.” reports the team photographer who was able to capture the photo above. “I’m so afraid that they will track me down for exposing the truth about the paper used in their attacks.” he whispers, obviously shaken. “They are all a bunch of thugs, and criminals. No decent person would be caught dead with a spitball.” he courageously opines.

“This media source takes care of its own.” says the Assignments Editor who wishes to remain anonymous. “They can’t bully us.” he adds emphatically.

This dog was lifted off his feet, and thrown by the impact of a spitball

The photo above was taken at the moment of impact by the dog’s owner who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation by a gang of vicious spitballers. The owner said she had just put her two male dogs out for a bit of exercise when they were attacked. The force of the spitballs actually levitated the hapless dog, and threw him through the air.

The dog’s owner, obviously upset, had just picked up her camera to photograph her dogs when the attack took place. “They appeared out of nowhere.” she said sobbing. The attackers disappeared just as instantly, according to the owner. Her neighbors saw nothing. All that remained were spitballs littering the yard, and sticking to the dogs.

“Why can’t they do something about these spitballs?” asks the owner. That is a question asked all to frequently.

Spectators, and entrants at a Southern California dog show were set upon in a vicious spitball attack. Police arrived to find spitballs littering the show ring. People, and dogs were in complete disarray. The show photographer was incapacitated during the attack, his camera disabled. “My camera lens is covered in spitballs.” said Corkie Click, “I have spitballs in my ears. Something must be done.”

“They came out of nowhere.” exclaimed Vera Klempt, as she visibly struggled to maintain her composure while removing spitballs from her dog’s coat. “I just don’t know if he will ever be able to show again.” wept Ms. Klempt, clearly shaken by the surprise attack.

It was a scene of confusion, as the dog show officials tried to bring order to the chaos. Show Chairman Reggie Beagle commented, “Something must be done to stop these attacks. We must have an all out ban on any type of spitting. Mr. Beagle angrily voiced the opinion of many attendees when he said, “It must be outlawed. Not just some of it , but all of it. There are no innocent spitters.”

When this reporter questioned onlookers as to the identification of the attackers most said that the attackers “just disappeared”.

“This was obviously a well orchestrated attack.” said Sargeant Cruller of the local police department. “We are seeing more of these senseless attacks by spitballers on innocent victims.”

City councilwoman Allourcorn said in a telephone interview that she is drafting spitball legislation to be introduced at the next council meeting. “Spitball supporters all say, ‘Don’t blame the spitball, blame the spitter.’, we have to protect the public.” said councilwoman Allourcorn.

We will continue to update this story as the police struggle to locate the perpetrators.

This is an open blog site dedicted to victims of vicious spitball attacks.

Please feel free to recount your experiences and help console others who have been victimized by spitballers.

The administrator of this blog has been a recurring victim of vicious spitball attacks who has the help of several world renowned experts on the subject. The world famous psychiatrist Dr. Anonymous will make random diagnoses of bloggers, and posters. Isn’t that exciting?

Another of our helpful guests is the not so famous, but ever helpful Snorri Kelson, assistant, to the assistant, assistant district attorney of the lowest city in the USA. He is also known as Ass.Ass.Ass. D.A. Snorri is a diminuitive man of Scandanavian descent who aspires to wipe spitballs, and their users off the face of the earth. He contacted this blogger on the heels of a vicious spitball attack, and offered his services to this blog. Reiterating, Snorri is very helpful.

Some of you victims of spitball attacks are no doubt familiar with another of our contributors, Mr. Richard “Dick” Less. Dick Less really needs no introduction, but here goes, anyway. Dick Less is one of the foremost experts on spitballs, he has written numerous books on the topic, and has an endless supply of salivary facts. He is also well versed in papers, and other types of spittle projectiles. Dick Less has a visceral hatred of all things spit. His fiance let slip that Dick Less is a dry kisser.

Then we have our list of victim contributors, Hitbyspit, that’s me, Spitballsally, Bigwad, Baccy, Dipper, Ammitnme, and last, but not least Snuffbuster.

So click the “ABOUT” button at the top of the page and join in the conversation.